My heart hearts. Even though I'm not alone, I feel like I am in complete darkness. After my miscarriage I did start healing but not like I wanted to. At first the pain was so bad, not physically but emotionally. I cried all the time and looked at the small ultrasound of my baby I kept with me at all times. My husband didn't understand the pain I was going through, and it almost felt like he didn't care. So there I sat alone. Mad at myself for losing the baby, mad at my doctor who couldn't do anything about it, mad at my husband for showing no empathy, and mad at God for taking my baby away from me. There was nothing I could do and for days I let my emotions get the best of me. At last, about a week after my d&c, I started seeing the light again. I starting to be happy in knowing I would see my baby again and that everything was okay. But you know what? The pain did not fully go away. I simply hid it and pretended that everything was fine. It didn't effect me at all until now. One of the hardest things to hear after suffering the loss of a child is someone close to you announcing their pregnancy. I tried so hard to be happy but I couldn't. My heart broke in two again and my stomach dropped. It wasn't that I was upset, it was that I missed my baby. I wanted to feel the tiny kicks and hear the heart beating. I wanted to look forward to the ultrasounds and finding out the gender. I wanted to have two hearts beating in me again. But I couldn't. That joy was taken away from me. So today I hurt. The pain that I hid away was taken back out of its hiding spot. I don't know if it will take a while to hide again or even if it will just go away. I pray that I can find happiness after this struggle and not have to feel this much pain again. I know I'll never fully recover from my loss and my heart will always be missing a piece, but I do know that after a storm comes a rainbow. And who knows when I will see my rainbow, but I anticipate the day that I do. So yes, today my heart hurts, but I am hopeful.