It was just like any other ordinary day. We went about the morning with me getting ready and eating trying to drink as much water as I could for the 9 week ultrasound and then proceeding to wake Oliver up to get him ready. He was in a rather relaxed mood. He just sat there in his carseat quietly and looked at me with his big blue eyes and gave me a smile when I looked at him. We waited in the waiting room for maybe 10 minutes until they called me back. I anxiously laid on the table with Oliver by my side to he could see the big screen that would be showing his little brother or sister. She started measuring the baby and everything looked fine and then I saw something that would change everything. where there was supposed to be a beating heart, there was a still organ. She turned the audio on and nothing. No rhythmic heartbeats, no movement, nothing. The ultrasound tech said nothing as she wiped the gel off my small but noticeble tiny bump. I knew what had happened. The only thing that was said was that the Dr. will talk to you about the ultrasound and we will get you to a room as soon as we can. I asked her if I could have an ultrasound picture and she handed me two. Oliver just looked at me while I forced a smile with tears in my eyes. I think he knew something was wrong so he was extra good for me. In shock I felt nothing. I felt as though it was bitter sweet because we already had a young baby, and I wasn't attatched to this child yet. As soon as the Dr. came in the room I knew it wasn't just a dream. He grabbed my hand and just said how sorry he was and continued to explain that over the past two days, our precious baby decided it wasn't time to live on earth. The heart stopped beating. I forced a smile on my face and completley zoned out everything my Dr. was saying to me. Working with him I already knew what was happening and what my options were. I requested a blood draw where my HCG levels could be tested and if they went down over a period of 2 days, it was a miscarriage. And it did. My HCG levels were already extreemly high and only went down a tiny bit, so to avoid risk of infection, cancer in the future, and infirtility, we decided it was best to perform a D&C. Over the week from that ultrasound to my surgery day, my heart hurt. I wanted my baby. I wanted to be a mother again. I have felt sadness but nothing quit like what I felt knowing that I just lost a child. I cried and cried all day everyday. Even little Oliver who was so happy, looked at me and cried. I know he felt the pain that I was feeling. Holding him helped me to feel at peace and it was like he knew that all I needed was for me to just hold him. He would sing softly in my ear and look into my eyes and place his hand on my cheek. There were many prayers hugs that week. The day of my surgery, Tyson and I tried our best to stay busy to keep our mind off of things. We arrived at the hospital at 3pm, They prepped me, surgery was at 5pm, and I was discharged at 9pm. And that was that. I was no longer pregnant. I didn't feel pain, but I wasn't happy. I felt empty. Here I sit today, the day after my d&c at almost 3 in the afternoon with no emotions. I have not shed a tear nor have I cracked a smile. While this trial is still going on in our lives, we know that everything is going to be okay. I don't know what is going to happen or how I will feel tonight. All I know is that everything happens for a reason. My Heavenly Father knew that I was strong enough to go through this trial. He knew that I needed to create a body. To sum up a little of my thoughts and feelings, I will share an email that my sister wrote me yesterday that puts these things into words. Tyson and I have discussed this topic many times over that past week and I want to share. She writes,

 

 

Hi Cassi!
I know you have been having an extremely difficult time with what has
happened. And I am so sad for you! You have been in my prayers! Just
yesterday I was talking to Elder Fowler. He knows everything and
anything about the gospel. And he brought up a REALLY cool point that
I thought I would share with you. The plan of salvation is an amazing
thing. Even though we don't understand everything, we know that it
will all work out and we have that trust and faith in God. When we
chose to follow Jesus Christ in the pre existence we were promised
that each and every one of us will receive the blessing of gaining a
body and coming to earth. God promised us. We will all receive a body.

So then what about the type of situations that a body begins to form,
but then doesn't make it. I asked elder fowler that because I wanted
to know . What he said was " we do not know when the spirit enters the
body."  And that is so true! That is something that we do not know!
But every spirit was promised to receive a body. To me, what logically
makes sense is that that spirit will have that second chance. It may
not have been that precious spirits time quite yet and that is why it
didn't stay. But I know that that spirit will come again. We were ALL
promised that we would receive a body.

Cassi, I don't know if this makes much sense to you like it clicked in
my brain, but I know that gods plan is perfect. He is building you up
and making you stronger right now. I love you!!!

Love,
Hermana Klaass

 

 

I could not have put these things into better words. This is why I KNOW the church is true. I am so incredibly thankful for the plan of salvation and the knowledge that I will see my baby and to be able to hold my child in my arms. Who knows when this will happen, but it will. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                               

 

 

 

We love you so much precious baby and we are so excited to meet you one day. 

                                                                                                          Love,

                                                                                                          Mommy, Daddy, and Oliver 

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